And the limits are...
Mar. 18th, 2026 10:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
witchpoetdreamerI've been getting better at recognizing my limits. Well, in some aspects. I've recently went through the worst asthma attack I've ever had because I pushed myself too much, thinking I would be okay a few moments longer before taking my emergency meds. Big mistake. Didn't have to go to the hospital but damn, never want to experience the sensation of not being able to breathe like that again, it was awful (I'm okay now).
What I've been getting better at is actually recognizing when someone's boundaries are not working well with mine. When someone's boundaries means changing something fundamental about myself. I once had a... well, two friendships actually, one after the other, that demanded that I speak and act a certain way. One of them (T) would liberally use "how dare you?!" for the smallest "mistake" in language. "Mistakes" along the line of speaking up on how their actions and words made me feel, of having any negative emotions at all about what they would say and do. Basically, they were allowed to be heavy handed in showing me my flaws but I could only say good things about them. The other one (E) would either silently judge me or fight me for... well, living in a world bigger than what their narrow view of it was. They went a little too deep on the (chronically online) queer side that openly and, most importantly, *seriously* mocks straight/allo people for, well, being straight/allo. And that's just the tip of the iceberg (it went *so* much deeper). I'm definitely not against the occasional joke about straight people (or the occasional WTF when I see certain videos of them berating their spouses for... reason?), but to constantly have to police my language, or even my ideas for stories (because apparently, if you are queer/ace, you cannot write stories about straight/allo people falling in love), that became, well. Unbearable. I think they became my first (and so far only, knock on wood) IRL experience of seeing someone get radicalized to the point of becoming exactly what they hate (also, for someone who was staunchly anti-capitalist, they were quick to point out that their time is money -- true story).
My latest story in this line was with someone I met online. We've been having some communication problems, both of us misunderstanding what the other would mean about one thing or the other, but after only a few instances of these, I was able to recognize it for what it was: they had certain expectations of the way I should speak and act upon reading what they've said, and I failed to meet them. But to meet them would have required to demure myself to their will in a way, constantly walk on eggshells in fear of being reprimanded again for saying the wrong thing. I don't think it means they are a bad person for it, but there are people out there who will mesh better with their way of seeing and interacting with the world than me. No friendship, no relationship at all is worth walking on eggshells for. Learning someone else's language should be a mutual endeavour that does not lead to fear of messing up but joy of enjoying each other's company better. And it can never be done through bad faith interpretations of each other.
I am not opposed to some change of language and behaviour when needed. I absolutely salute people's efforts in unlearning bigotry/abusive behaviour so they can be a better person for the world (and ultimately, for themselves). I will always root for someone trying to do good because they learnt their behaviour hurt someone they love. Even if the person they love never gets to see the results of their efforts. I would love if my father learnt to be a better person for my sister and my mother, even if I will never allow him to be for me. T will never see the changes I made for my sister after they showed me, in their rough way, that I've been unnecessarily mean towards her, and that I needed to do something about my run off the mill savior complex. E never saw that the queer concepts they taught me lead me to some of the most amazing friendships I could ever have. Without them, I might have been the kind of cis lesbian who still doesn't understand non-binary people. I would have learnt from someone else eventually, but I learnt earlier because of them. I shaped my language differently in a positive way through them, and became a better queer person for it. And through both of them, I've become better acquainted with my limits and what I am willing to do for other people.
What I've been getting better at is actually recognizing when someone's boundaries are not working well with mine. When someone's boundaries means changing something fundamental about myself. I once had a... well, two friendships actually, one after the other, that demanded that I speak and act a certain way. One of them (T) would liberally use "how dare you?!" for the smallest "mistake" in language. "Mistakes" along the line of speaking up on how their actions and words made me feel, of having any negative emotions at all about what they would say and do. Basically, they were allowed to be heavy handed in showing me my flaws but I could only say good things about them. The other one (E) would either silently judge me or fight me for... well, living in a world bigger than what their narrow view of it was. They went a little too deep on the (chronically online) queer side that openly and, most importantly, *seriously* mocks straight/allo people for, well, being straight/allo. And that's just the tip of the iceberg (it went *so* much deeper). I'm definitely not against the occasional joke about straight people (or the occasional WTF when I see certain videos of them berating their spouses for... reason?), but to constantly have to police my language, or even my ideas for stories (because apparently, if you are queer/ace, you cannot write stories about straight/allo people falling in love), that became, well. Unbearable. I think they became my first (and so far only, knock on wood) IRL experience of seeing someone get radicalized to the point of becoming exactly what they hate (also, for someone who was staunchly anti-capitalist, they were quick to point out that their time is money -- true story).
My latest story in this line was with someone I met online. We've been having some communication problems, both of us misunderstanding what the other would mean about one thing or the other, but after only a few instances of these, I was able to recognize it for what it was: they had certain expectations of the way I should speak and act upon reading what they've said, and I failed to meet them. But to meet them would have required to demure myself to their will in a way, constantly walk on eggshells in fear of being reprimanded again for saying the wrong thing. I don't think it means they are a bad person for it, but there are people out there who will mesh better with their way of seeing and interacting with the world than me. No friendship, no relationship at all is worth walking on eggshells for. Learning someone else's language should be a mutual endeavour that does not lead to fear of messing up but joy of enjoying each other's company better. And it can never be done through bad faith interpretations of each other.
I am not opposed to some change of language and behaviour when needed. I absolutely salute people's efforts in unlearning bigotry/abusive behaviour so they can be a better person for the world (and ultimately, for themselves). I will always root for someone trying to do good because they learnt their behaviour hurt someone they love. Even if the person they love never gets to see the results of their efforts. I would love if my father learnt to be a better person for my sister and my mother, even if I will never allow him to be for me. T will never see the changes I made for my sister after they showed me, in their rough way, that I've been unnecessarily mean towards her, and that I needed to do something about my run off the mill savior complex. E never saw that the queer concepts they taught me lead me to some of the most amazing friendships I could ever have. Without them, I might have been the kind of cis lesbian who still doesn't understand non-binary people. I would have learnt from someone else eventually, but I learnt earlier because of them. I shaped my language differently in a positive way through them, and became a better queer person for it. And through both of them, I've become better acquainted with my limits and what I am willing to do for other people.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-18 04:08 pm (UTC)I also came across some people in my life who only wanted to read or hear what they thought was "acceptable" for them. And sure, sometimes I think I have said some hurtful things, but I tried to be as honest as a friend to these people as I thought they deserved. I am really bad at lying anyway, because I keep messing up the backstories behind each lie I'd tell, so I swore to myself to be honest with everybody. Apparently, this rubbed some people the wrong way, even though I didn't call them anything bad, I just stated my point or whatever. I think the times of bending my persona for others just to make them feel comfortable in a lie they're living are over, frankly spoken. I do not mind when I use a wrong word and I am told that; I am willing to learn. But I cannot and will not lie to my friends (Or anybody else... As I said, I am really bad at lying and disguising my lies.).
And honestly, you certainly can write about straight people, for example, when you are not straight yourself. I am not sure how many queer authors I know, but I am certain you are not the only one. And you have a very poetic way of writing, which I really like. I think you can do that. :)
no subject
Date: 2026-03-19 05:41 pm (UTC)And I honestly think that most books written about straight healthy couples out there are written by queer writers XD If it's toxic AF, it's likely written by a straight writer (including queer novels). (And I'm talking about romance novels here, not other types of toxic relationships). I'm generalizing of course, but thinking about it more, I might not be far off from the truth actually! Or at least, thinking about the books that I personally read, I'm sure there are plenty out there that will immediately prove me wrong XD
no subject
Date: 2026-03-18 04:20 pm (UTC)Oh nooooo, we know that kinda corruption, and kinda went down that route a bit while on tumblr (which is part of why we left). That stuff can really become self-defeating in the end.
It’s kind of you to be able to remember the positive while also being true and good to yourself too. That’s a tricky balance to nail!
no subject
Date: 2026-03-19 05:31 pm (UTC)Thank you, I really appreciate your words ❤️ I don't always think of my actions as being a strength/a good thing (I often don't, I'm most likely to think of them as doing what's necessary), so when people point it to me, I look back and think "Oh ya... It *is* good! Look at me taking care of myself!" so it feels really nice hehe
no subject
Date: 2026-03-18 08:18 pm (UTC)apparently, if you are queer/ace, you cannot write stories about straight/allo people falling in love
Amazing. This reminds me very much of that evergreen tumblr post that’s something like, “Leftists love to come up with progressive-sounding reasons why everyone should be divided up into separate boxes and never interact or find anything in common with one another.” (And I have found many anti-capitalists to be very pro-wealth for themselves.) I always feel the urge to reread Zadie Smith’s essay “Fascinated to Presume” instead.
no relationship at all is worth walking on eggshells for
Yes, absolutely. Politeness is necessary, and there are some things you might discuss with certain friends but not others, but a friendship that makes you walk on eggshells is not really a friendship. I find a lot of people, at least online, seem to default to bad faith assumptions, which isn’t healthy or compassionate — or even realistic, most of the time.
Bad friendships are certainly learning experiences (I’ve had a few), but that can sometimes be cold comfort; it’s still normal to miss friendships that ultimately went badly. It sounds like you trust yourself, which is a very good place to get to. <3
no subject
Date: 2026-03-19 05:17 pm (UTC)And you know, I haven't noticed that this is what I did, trusting myself, but it feels good to say it that way! Thank you for your comment!
PREACH 👏
Date: 2026-03-19 02:54 am (UTC)I had a close friendship ~4-5 years ago that felt exactly like that: walking on eggshells. We had really great moments, but when things between us were bad, it genuinely felt like the end of the world. I think many people are way too quick to write off the strength and severity of platonic relationships, and that they can be just as meaningful (and, thus, just as destructive) as romantic relationships. These people leave definite marks in our lives, both good and bad, and either way I think there's something really touching about how people stay with us like that. Like a good old, "I'm glad you're gone, but you taught me something valuable." Underrated dynamic that should honestly be explored more, imo.
Re: PREACH 👏
Date: 2026-03-19 04:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-03-20 03:13 am (UTC)Ah, to woke too close to the sun that one circles right around to misogyny and segregation. I think it's why I don't enjoy being in "popular" LGBTQ+ spaces and fandoms overly much anymore. I don't have the patience for people who equate fiction and fictional relationships with IRL activism.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-20 10:12 pm (UTC)God same! Besides, it always seems so strange that people are so against fictional relationships and some (mostly sexual lets be real) fictional depiction, but nobody ever says a goddamn thing about fictional murder? Or other type of fictional torture? It's frustrating when people decide that their personal ick should be a matter of societal change. Especially when said societal change is censorship of any kind -_-.