On growing past a savior complex
Mar. 3rd, 2026 10:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
witchpoetdreamerI used to be the person who tried to solve everything for everyone. The bigger someone's problems, the better. When meeting someone new, I would value their potential friendship by how much struggles they had that I could help them find solutions to. At that time, I had to feel needed to feel worthy of anybody's attention. I couldn't just be me, be a person who just happens to like the things somebody else likes too, I had to be useful. Friendships, romantic entanglements, it was all the same: if I couldn't be useful, I couldn't be worthy, and being someone's savior was the peak of usefulness. It meant I was indispensable, irreplaceable. And for those that didn't need saving? I would give gifts, sweets, pay for food, show how better their lives would be if I remain there. I remember so acutely the time when, during a therapy session, the full realization of what I was doing hit me: "I am love bombing my friends." Saying it out loud like that, both horrified and somewhat relieved that I could put words to how wrong it was, is what kickstarted the road to healing.
Is it love bombing if you keep doing it through the whole relationship (or for the most part at least)? Maybe not, but it certainly isn't sustainable. I've noticed it the most through the pandemic years, time during which I lost a lot of friends. I barely had the energy to take care of myself, if at all, so any energy to take care of others vanished with it. But, if I'm honest with myself, it started earlier than that. The cracks would appear in group settings. I used to host large gatherings of friends quite frequently, and as host, things were okay, because I was *needed*. No host, no party. But when I would be invited to other people's parties? If I knew everyone invited well enough, I had no problem showing up. If I knew *some* people but the party would be pretty large? Also no problem, I could fit in quite well. But if I would hang out with a small group (5 or less) and there was one person I didn't know? I would bail. I knew I couldn't be needed by *everyone* in a large group, but the thought of someone new I would have to "take care of" in a smaller group? Unbearable.
I didn't use to be like that. As a teen and a young adult, I was perfectly fine hanging out with others, showing up as myself and not as someone to be needed. I mean, I was the "mom" friend despite always being the youngest in any given group, but that's mainly because I was the only one not drinking back then (my dad was an alcoholic and I learnt early on that alcohol = bad. I do drink occasionally nowadays, but again, still very careful never to use it as a crutch). I think it started to change through what people were saying about me on Facebook. Comments about my appearance, mostly, on pictures taken in group settings. How does it relate? I'm not sure, but something about me existing wasn't good as I was, I wasn't good enough to be seen, so if I made myself useful, maybe that would offset what people would say about me (you can see why I left Facebook early, do you?). It's one thing to know that you are not a popular kid, that your reputation as the bullied kid followed you from primary school to high school, but I was mostly ignored for the most part. The people who tended to bully me were either not even that popular (so punching down in effort to be seen up? I've been guilty of that too.. twice for sure that I remember and still feel bad about) or just plain boring. And they were easy to avoid too. (As well, I do know others who had it way, way rougher than I did. To this day, I wonder how H. was strong enough to go through all of it. Or K. Or C.). But there was something about Facebook that wasn't done through plain old bullying at school. If someone tells you something at school, it's not great, but it's gone within seconds of being out of ear sight. But if someone comments about it... It is there, it is seen by others, commented on by others. You can delete the comment, but only if it's on your page. What is on other people's pages stay.
I don't know how kids nowadays do it. Hell, I know for a fact they aren't doing well because of shit like that. But I digress.
I've noticed for the first time lately how much better I've gotten with that behavior. I met a new friend, and as they were telling me about their life, I noticed more than once how I had the desire to interfere, to let them know exactly how I thought they should go about it, but I didn't. Their life is a bit of a mess, and they clearly struggle with boundaries, but then, so do I. And the realization that, for once, I did respect my own boundaries, I didn't take somebody else's problems onto me, I allowed myself (and them too) to just... exist, and let problems exist as they are, and just know that I don't have all the solutions and I'm not expected to have them either and just... It felt... partly wrong, because I'm not used to it, but I also felt such a sense of relief and pride for how far I've come from the person who needed to feel needed. Even in my marriage, things didn't burn fast and strong from the get go, it was absolutely something that took its time (at least for me and how I used to be). But to be fair, I learnt to be better at romantic relationships before I learnt to be better at friendships, mainly because I took affairs of the heart, well, to heart and really focused on asking myself the right questions about what I want and what I'm ready to give for them. It took me a while to realize those questions should also be asked about friendship as well. They are relationships after all! And, well, it did help that I also asked myself those hard questions about my family too, and cutting ties with them meant that I would be better equipped to deal with any relationships thrown my way honestly.
All this to say: learnt behaviours can be unlearnt. It takes time, intention, and a fair share of heartache. It's really hard to know that I've borrowed toxic traits I've seen and experienced from others and carried them with you into other relationships. Not the same way, but the result might have been the same: for the people I tried to "save", I have become a villain in their story. Or, if not a villain, someone who leaves a bitter taste in their mouth, someone not worth remembering. I could be like my parents and say that I've tried my best, but that is not quite true. I tried to survive. I tried to force community through an erasure of my own needs, without ever listening to theirs. I'm sure the people who got just a few drops of my help in their ocean were grateful, but those I'm thinking about might've drowned a little. That is not my best. My best listens instead of giving advice right away. My best looks at the whole picture rather than a single tree made forest. My best is still learning. My best is still going to fuck up, but my best will keep trying.
I've been careful when commenting on here to make sure that whatever I write is heartfelt and true to me without becoming patronizing. Without trying to solve problems for others, especially when they are just venting out their emotions into their own responding voids. The way that I exist now, I can lay a hand on a shoulder and pat it, but I also know to say it's okay if it's not what the person needs. My best is kind rather than nice.
I don't hate the person I've been in the past. I don't have any regrets nor remorse. I got hurt trying to save people, and I hurt them too. I'm okay with not being the best person in their memories. Some are not the best in mine. I don't feel the need to apologize for my actions, not anymore. I've moved on from the past, even if the present is still somewhat of a struggle. The best I can hope for is to build better new memories than what I've known before.
Is it love bombing if you keep doing it through the whole relationship (or for the most part at least)? Maybe not, but it certainly isn't sustainable. I've noticed it the most through the pandemic years, time during which I lost a lot of friends. I barely had the energy to take care of myself, if at all, so any energy to take care of others vanished with it. But, if I'm honest with myself, it started earlier than that. The cracks would appear in group settings. I used to host large gatherings of friends quite frequently, and as host, things were okay, because I was *needed*. No host, no party. But when I would be invited to other people's parties? If I knew everyone invited well enough, I had no problem showing up. If I knew *some* people but the party would be pretty large? Also no problem, I could fit in quite well. But if I would hang out with a small group (5 or less) and there was one person I didn't know? I would bail. I knew I couldn't be needed by *everyone* in a large group, but the thought of someone new I would have to "take care of" in a smaller group? Unbearable.
I didn't use to be like that. As a teen and a young adult, I was perfectly fine hanging out with others, showing up as myself and not as someone to be needed. I mean, I was the "mom" friend despite always being the youngest in any given group, but that's mainly because I was the only one not drinking back then (my dad was an alcoholic and I learnt early on that alcohol = bad. I do drink occasionally nowadays, but again, still very careful never to use it as a crutch). I think it started to change through what people were saying about me on Facebook. Comments about my appearance, mostly, on pictures taken in group settings. How does it relate? I'm not sure, but something about me existing wasn't good as I was, I wasn't good enough to be seen, so if I made myself useful, maybe that would offset what people would say about me (you can see why I left Facebook early, do you?). It's one thing to know that you are not a popular kid, that your reputation as the bullied kid followed you from primary school to high school, but I was mostly ignored for the most part. The people who tended to bully me were either not even that popular (so punching down in effort to be seen up? I've been guilty of that too.. twice for sure that I remember and still feel bad about) or just plain boring. And they were easy to avoid too. (As well, I do know others who had it way, way rougher than I did. To this day, I wonder how H. was strong enough to go through all of it. Or K. Or C.). But there was something about Facebook that wasn't done through plain old bullying at school. If someone tells you something at school, it's not great, but it's gone within seconds of being out of ear sight. But if someone comments about it... It is there, it is seen by others, commented on by others. You can delete the comment, but only if it's on your page. What is on other people's pages stay.
I don't know how kids nowadays do it. Hell, I know for a fact they aren't doing well because of shit like that. But I digress.
I've noticed for the first time lately how much better I've gotten with that behavior. I met a new friend, and as they were telling me about their life, I noticed more than once how I had the desire to interfere, to let them know exactly how I thought they should go about it, but I didn't. Their life is a bit of a mess, and they clearly struggle with boundaries, but then, so do I. And the realization that, for once, I did respect my own boundaries, I didn't take somebody else's problems onto me, I allowed myself (and them too) to just... exist, and let problems exist as they are, and just know that I don't have all the solutions and I'm not expected to have them either and just... It felt... partly wrong, because I'm not used to it, but I also felt such a sense of relief and pride for how far I've come from the person who needed to feel needed. Even in my marriage, things didn't burn fast and strong from the get go, it was absolutely something that took its time (at least for me and how I used to be). But to be fair, I learnt to be better at romantic relationships before I learnt to be better at friendships, mainly because I took affairs of the heart, well, to heart and really focused on asking myself the right questions about what I want and what I'm ready to give for them. It took me a while to realize those questions should also be asked about friendship as well. They are relationships after all! And, well, it did help that I also asked myself those hard questions about my family too, and cutting ties with them meant that I would be better equipped to deal with any relationships thrown my way honestly.
All this to say: learnt behaviours can be unlearnt. It takes time, intention, and a fair share of heartache. It's really hard to know that I've borrowed toxic traits I've seen and experienced from others and carried them with you into other relationships. Not the same way, but the result might have been the same: for the people I tried to "save", I have become a villain in their story. Or, if not a villain, someone who leaves a bitter taste in their mouth, someone not worth remembering. I could be like my parents and say that I've tried my best, but that is not quite true. I tried to survive. I tried to force community through an erasure of my own needs, without ever listening to theirs. I'm sure the people who got just a few drops of my help in their ocean were grateful, but those I'm thinking about might've drowned a little. That is not my best. My best listens instead of giving advice right away. My best looks at the whole picture rather than a single tree made forest. My best is still learning. My best is still going to fuck up, but my best will keep trying.
I've been careful when commenting on here to make sure that whatever I write is heartfelt and true to me without becoming patronizing. Without trying to solve problems for others, especially when they are just venting out their emotions into their own responding voids. The way that I exist now, I can lay a hand on a shoulder and pat it, but I also know to say it's okay if it's not what the person needs. My best is kind rather than nice.
I don't hate the person I've been in the past. I don't have any regrets nor remorse. I got hurt trying to save people, and I hurt them too. I'm okay with not being the best person in their memories. Some are not the best in mine. I don't feel the need to apologize for my actions, not anymore. I've moved on from the past, even if the present is still somewhat of a struggle. The best I can hope for is to build better new memories than what I've known before.
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