The Art of Writing (and other hobbies)

[witchpoetdreamer]

I've been writing a lot this week. Like, a LOT a lot! I've written 6 pages for my Terra/Cinderella fanfic at a coffee shop with a friend. I've written multiple post/essays on Obsidian. And I've written many pages in my journal. And somehow, because none of these have been seen by other people's eyes (as of now), it doesn't feel like I've been writing at all.

When has writing become something that only exists through other people's eyes? Who's the asshole who said something along the lines of "art doesn't exist if nobody sees it"? I'd like to have a word with them... with my fists to their face most likely. Don't care if they're dead already. I'll spit on their grave.

Because it truly is such a devastating thing to hear, and even more so to internalize it to the point that anything you do has no value at all until seen by others.

This week, just to have something familiar to listen to in the background, I looked up videos on overconsumption in hobbies (I already have my own opinion on the subject, it just tickles my brain right when other people agree with me on that, like it most likely does for a lot of people). As I was looking at my long form video options, scrolling past the few shorts left me... unsettled to say the least. "Manly hobbies to have", "Hobbies to appear elegant", "Hobbies to look cute", "Hobbies to increase your skills at work", etc. I gave up on the search for the videos I was interested in, disgusted and seething. How? When? What?!!-- When has hobbies become something for others to see? A performance for other people's benefits??? The hobbies to appear elegant? Exactly what you would expect a regency lady to know in order to snatch a rich man: play a classical instrument, ride a horse, paint, play chess (and it goes beyond saying that you also need to be at a certain level of income in order to even practice said hobbies). I didn't even look at the hobbies for work skills (it's called taking a class for work) or the manly hobbies. Just seeing the titles was enough for me to imagine what kind of "hobbies" these were supposed to be.

It's one thing that people's hobbies are displayed for the world to see, sharing increasingly expensive collections that they'll likely never see the end of it in their lifetimes. I watch them to remind myself not to get swayed by the new shiny things in my own hobbies (and I do get swayed, goddamn I do). But to display hobbies that are not only for video consumption but to get a rich man? Or to get a girly girl? Or to get a better job? In other words, to appear attractive to other people and prove you are worthy of their time and money?! Pardon my french mais quelle connerie!

How are we supposed to exist as people when all that is on our mind is how we are perceived by others? I've grown up with parents constantly toeing the line between "what will other people think?" and "I do what I want!", and I can see how fucked up it made them (and me, by extension, prior to addressing it in therapy and simply cutting ties with them). And it's always "what will other people think?" when it's something you do for absolute joy in your life: drawing with chalk on the sidewalk well past adulthood without a kid in sight, living in an apartment with roomates, dressing up in clothes that are unfashionable but loved, finding love of with someone who happens to be the same sex as you. But when it's "I do what I want", it's: yelling at someone who got in the way for half a second, taking up all the space on the bus going home, stomping all over the place without a care for the person living in the unit under you, listening to music at unbearable levels late at night to really early in the morning. Why is "what will other people think?" harmless to others, but "I do what I want" absolutely harming others to the benefit of one person? I have never and will never understand that.

When I write (or draw) things nobody else will ever see (or might, but is not something I think about in the moment), I am not hurting anybody. Bonus, it's really pleasing to me to do the actual writing, to feel the clickity-clack of the keyboard under my fingers or to hear the scratching of my pen on paper as words appear, shaping my thoughts into reality. But I am supposed to think none of them exists unless others have seen it?? Absolutely not!

So let this be a reminder (a prayer for myself, and for you if you need it) that whatever you do exists whether it is seen by others or not. And that what is unseen most likely has better value for yourself than what is out there in the open. Remind yourself that creation is an act of love, and love should never be for profit (social or monetary). Remind yourself that creation for a sense of identity *is* social profit. Do your hobbies, whatever they may be, because the sole benefit they bring is benefits to you: joy, peace, health, hope. Remind yourself that, unlike some people made you believe, you are not selfish for keeping your art to yourself. And that, if ever you do share it, it's because it's part of the process of said piece, because it brings you joy to do so, a sense of completion.

Let leisure be leisure.

Comments

[andromedaxyz]

Ah yes, the fact that people will only respect you if you monetize and/or publicize every single thing that you do, even the things you love. Meanwhile people rarely talk about how if you turn your passion into a full-time thing, you'll most likely end up hating it haha

[lb_lee]

I mean, my job as an artist is by far the healthiest and most soul-nourishing work I've done, but I seem to be in the minority on that. (And I found every job I did before it as EXTREMELY stressful, unless it was SUPER short-term.)

Then again, though I love my job, that doesn't mean it's fun, easy, profitable, or respectable. Those are very different things.

[andromedaxyz]

I also actually like the job I'm in (for context, I'm an in-house graphic designer full time and an illustrator part-time), although there is a lot of points before my current full-time employment where having what you're passionate about be under the mercy of a client just to put food on the table just really ruins the enjoyment you have, compared to when I have all my creative vision on my own. And it's a supposed dream studio job for designers/artists like me. I share the burnout a lot of my fellow visual artists have. I feel like I'm just lucky I'm in now in a position where I actually enjoy the design and illustration work that I do that pays me rather well.

I think it's a rather a really nuanced discussion to have.

[lb_lee]

That’s legit, it’s complicated! I love my job and have found a balance, but it also doesn’t pay a living wage and comes with life-changing amounts of harassment and interference, so my artistic freedom definitely comes at a cost. I can’t exactly recommend my job to anyone, since it fails at what most people consider the basest requirement of one: money to pay rent and groceries!

[witchpoetdreamer]

Yes, and I do think it's interesting because a lot of people think you *have* to be passionate about something, so the people who do end up disliking their passion do so because they chose the thing they liked the most but without it being a *passion*. What I mean is that you can love doing something without being passionate about it, without it consuming your very being and your every thoughts. You can enjoy doing it because it brings joy into your life but not passion. I used to think I was passionate about writing, but the truth is, I love writing but I'm not obsessed with it to the point that it becomes my entire personality, and it's trying to fit your entire personality into one thing that eventually causes the burn out. It's the passion becoming identity that causes so many to burn out from it. And, a lot of the time, identity is what sells the most, because it's what appears the most authentic to others.

[yeahjukes]

You're so right!!! In this day and age when so much content is geared towards appearances, I think it's really awesome that you are making art and keeping it for yourself. As a digital artist, I used to post literally everything I'd draw. Then the shifting algo started killing my engagement, thus revealing what I was really in it for. Now that I don't feel possessed to post every single thing I make, I tend to enjoy the process more and agonize over the result less.

Picking up hobbies to be more attractive to other people is such an insane concept to me. It makes me sad that there is a real mini-industry of such content online. The internet is so hugely built upon performance; I guess it makes sense that it'd leak into real life... not that it should.

[witchpoetdreamer]

Yes, I used to feel the same as well about things I would post online, if it didn't have any engagement at all, I would often feel like deleting the whole post (and often did), like no engagement meant that I failed at something, and failure meant shame meant "do not keep the shame up there". Now it's more like "whoever finds me finds me, and that's that's" and I'll only post when I really want to XD.

And yes, the whole concept of doing anything to appear more attractive is so weird to me. Like, just the concept of putting on makeup to appear more attractive rather than because it's something you want to actually play with, or picking up clothes, or having your hair put up a certain way. And I think it's so telling about our society now that, instead of seeing women complaining about everything they did to please the male gaze and shift the whole thing so that nobody has to do anything for it, now even men are doing everything they do for the male gaze too, like, no, this isn't what we wanted! "Oh, you're in a prison, let's also go in the prison". Honey no. (I'll honestly never understand the whole manosphere and how they're like "look at all the chicks I pick up" and it's still just a dick contest between men because no women actually care (unless it's because you've had like hundreds of partners and never took an STI test in your life 🤮). (I would even argue that the make up part can also be to one up other women rather than to attract men 🤷‍♀️ but that's for another time XD)

I'm glad we're both at a much better place now to do what we like rather than what others expect of us!

[2666]

A certain sadness and insecurity bleeds from those kinds of videos. It's like... encouraging the viewer to project a false interiority to the outside world, based on how that interiority will be perceived, but there's nothing actually there. You have to have a pretty fragile sense of self to think that perfoming the right hobbies will make you anyone other than ...you.

[witchpoetdreamer]

Absolutely! And the sad thing is, nobody ever teaches anyone how to have a strong sense of self except therapists (expensive), really good parents (rare) and some spiritual leaders (also expensive if you fall into a sect). So when all everyone has to develop a sense of self is what "authentic" people show them through videos, of course they're going to try to do the same! Because if nobody sees it, are you really someone?

And like, I wouldn't be able to know how to teach anyone how to have a stronger sense of self either because, truth is, said sense of self only happens when I don't even think about it. Most of the time, when I think about my sense of self, it's because I'm in doubt I even have one. Otherwise, I just... exist. The meditation guru did try to get people to that feeling of just existing, but if you associate doing nothing but breathe as just existing, everything else you do is not just that, it's doing something, and doing something can't be just existing, right?

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[merrileemakes]

How are we supposed to exist as people when all that is on our mind is how we are perceived?

This! So well put, and so true. My mother only cares about what other people think of her, especially how she looks. She's so toxic. I'm glad you've cut your parents out of your life. They sound awful.

I am working on growing my authentic sense of self, and it's a long (and yes, expensive) path. But it's worth it.

[witchpoetdreamer]

The sad thing about our parents toxicity is that, through therapy (at least for me), we figure out what most likely went wrong for them through their own parents, we find the generational trauma, and yet, they don't want to do anything about their own. But empathy and understanding can only go so far. Finding our own authentic self *is* breaking that generational trauma, and I'm very proud of you for doing so! (and I'm also glad I cut off my parents XD)